Family Gatherings
Meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time was very nerve-racking. As I stated in my previous blog post, we had sex the first night we met and the next morning he wanted me to accompany him to his house to pick up some more clothes. Upon arriving his mother and sister were there. Anyways, all the way up until now, almost 3 years in, I’ve always felt slightly uncomfortable attending family gatherings. I think it's still a taboo thing being in an interracial relationship. I can only speak on black and white couples, but I’ve always been very uncomfortable. It’s no secret that racial tension has always been in America between Caucasians and other minorities, more predominately between whites and blacks. Even though we're in a new time and things are changing, it’s still a little uncomfortable for me to be the only black person in a room full of white people. In the beginning, I found myself more timid and quiet around a large group of white people. Small pieces of my personality peeked out at times, but never the real me. I’ve always been a weird hodgepodge between ghetto and bougie, or weird and nerdy. It’s an odd mix, but it’s me. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend knows the real me and loves me and ultimately if I’m a good person, his family will too. That has all worked out and since then I found myself very comfortable with being myself around everyone. Even if you feel like not everyone likes you, still remain true to yourself.
Am I A "PHASE" To Him?
A few white boys I've talked to, always asked me how much different it would be to have sex with a black girl. How the hell would I know?! I don’t know how other races have sex, and I’m sure this all relies on the person and not the race. However, you still have non-black men that are always curious.
This leads a lot of women, like myself, to think any other man approaching her, is just looking for something different, or a good time.
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he would say the most typical things. I don’t know if he read the “how to pick up sistahs” manual, but it was too much. Calling me sexy chocolate, and brown sugar and all other references to black women. I don’t think he meant any harm, and luckily he somewhat grew out of it, but it’s a tad annoying. However, I understood. He had never been with a black woman. There was a huge back ground and cultural difference. Honestly, it’s hard to know if white men want to try something new and exotic or if they really see you.
My boyfriend was always interested in black women. In high school he had a crush on two black girls and even in college he tried to hook up with a black girl during a party. Unfortunately, he had to accompany his sick friend to the bathroom and when he came back to the party, she was already talking to someone else. This was actually a turning point for him. Missing out on that opportunity, ultimately forced him to go with his second choice which is his current ex girlfriend. (yes, she's white)
To get back on track, I’ve always known my boyfriend liked black women, so that was a plus. Also bringing me around his family and bragging to his friends, let me know he was serious about me. He never kept me a secret and he was never ashamed of me.
Is He Obsessed With my Color?
This falls into place with the previous point about being a phase. Does he always call you chocolate? Is every compliment about your race or on your skin tone. Do you think it's a little too much?
At least 33% of the time my boyfriend compliments me, it has something to do with my skin color. He loves how well I take care of my skin. He always compliments me on how beautifully deep brown my skin is. I guess it's weird to me because most of the black men I dated never said anything about my skin color. Sometimes I’d rather him not comment on it. Sometimes I want to say, "why can’t I just be a beautiful woman to you?" Every now and then, I tell him that if he were with a white woman he would never compliment her on how pure white her skin was. He always tells me it’s because he’s white and he’s never been with a black woman. He says being with the same race makes you less likely to appreciate such beautiful different skin. This moreso irritated me in the beginning of our relationship. I simply wanted to be a beautiful woman to him. Not the "beautiful black woman" all the time. I didn’t want him to see my color. As time went on, he made me realize that although love is colorblind, the reason he is attracted to me is because of my skin color. He loves it. He’s not obsessed with it and it’s not a phase, but he’s a white man that truly enjoys the beauty of a black woman.
Too Ghetto?
Like most black women, I was raised in the ghetto. I grew up on hood movies and r&b. Some of my personality traits fall under the “stereotypical" category and America already thinks they know what I’m all about.
As a black woman, I think it’s fair to say that most of us that are interested in a man of another race, won’t make the first move because we are afraid he won’t like us. I also struggled with this.
My former supervisor introduced me to my NOW current boyfriend. I was so nervous to make the first move. I kept avoiding him in person and ultimately sent him a message on Facebook and the rest is history. Here we are with a house together, planning our future.
I liked him so much, plus he had never dated a black woman, so I didn’t know how to be around him. I didn’t want to scare him off, but I wanted to stay true to myself. No matter how much you like someone, you have to be yourself. If you’re putting on a front, or acting in a way that appeals to someone, don’t be upset if they fall in love with the fake you, then later you find yourself arguing because you feel like you can’t be the real you.
I do agree that with any couple, you should not reveal too much about yourself in the beginning. We’re all human. We’re flawed. No matter how hard we try, we always “judge a book by its cover.” Telling someone new that you're dating, every little odd, outgoing, crazy thing about yourself, may scare them off. I slowly revealed small things about myself and my past and upbringing. I did this over the first year. Having my boyfriend’s love made it easy. At that point, he didn’t care if I acted a little more ghetto than he was used to. He just loved me and wanted me to be myself.
In fact right before we met me, he was messing around with a black east African girl. He found out that she likes to smoke weed and she was very outgoing and loud and obnoxious. I’m actually a little like her in some ways, but I think since his upbringing was different, having experienced “all of her” too soon, as a little bit of a culture shock for him. I would never want anyone to, not be themselves, but we’re all not brought up the same. Some people need to be eased into it.